Prompt: Issue a public apology.
To the male hospital employee wearing green scrubs: The WOMEN'S LACTATION ROOM is not your break/lounge room! Three strikes, you're out! You've been reported. And for that, I make no apologies.
I will however say, "Sorry, NO BOYS ALLOWED!"
Last week, I was at the hospital visiting my oh-so-handsome son and needed to pump. (Mamacita called and demanded I stay on schedule. Did you know she has direct access to my breasts? It's like a shock collar for a dog. If the dog barks or tries to leave his yard, he gets zapped. Well, if I don't pump breast milk every so often, Mamacita gives my ladies - Bessy and Clarabelle - a good jolt! My breasts get super heavy, my nipples become tender and sometimes itch, and then I start to leak. See post titled Dairy Farm, in regards to Mamacita and the ladies.) Back to needing to pump...
I walked into the lactation room and was startled by a male hospital employee... on his way out. I didn't think much of it after he left. A day or so later, I found myself in the very same lactation room around the same time, and this dude is in there with the tv on, lights dimmed, and a snack in hand. When I entered, he got up and left. Damn-straight you better get the hell out so I can pump!
Then another day or two later, I found myself at the hospital visiting my baby, and needing to pump again. I went into the lactation room. One of the cubicles was in use. The curtain was pulled, the lights were on, and the tv was on. I naturally assumed it was a mother, pumping for her little one.
I started getting my things ready. I attached the suction cups to the pump and closed the lid so they wouldn't pop off. I attached the suction tubes to the suction cups. (Mamacita was now starting to look like a beer hat, minus the beer. Man, I haven't had a beer in so long...) I pieced together the flanges and bottles, etc. Then I whipped the ladies out. (I believe Bessy mooed.) Next, I placed the flanges perfectly around my nipps, flipped the power switch on Mamacita, and commenced dairy farm production - serving up fresh milk.
I noticed the cubicle next to me was a little quite... I mean, I didn't hear the sound of another breast pump. Minutes passed and the other mother wasn't at work. A red flag went up, and I thought... "OH NO! That f*ing a-hole better not be up in here while my breasts are hanging out. (Okay, hanging isn't exactly the right word. When one's breasts are full of milk, they are super firm. They don't exactly hang out from your chest... more like protrude... like they have a declaration to make.)
Then the person in the cubicle beside me cleared their throat... and that wasn't a lady! A thousand things started running through my mind! I couldn't believe this jerk was back and didn't have the decency to leave! Or at least say "Hold up. Let me get outta here." Something! Let a woman know a man is present. Then I thought, I need to say something. My blood was boiling - don't forget I am hormonal and that just added gasoline to the fire - and before I could say, "Get the fuck out of here, asshole!" he was gone. I could tell by his brisk gait/pace that it was the same guy I'd run into the other two days. And then I realized it was around the same time... his damn break time.
As soon as I was finished, I gathered my things and made a B-line for the front desk. I immediately reported his shenanigans. Ain't no mama got time fo dat drama!
I get that nurses and doctors work long shifts and need a place to crash from time to time. BUT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BREAK ROOMS! I know the Lactation Room is nice, quiet, and comfortable... but it's for Women Only! Take your creeper behind elsewhere!
I'll say it one more time: This Ain't No Peep Show! You betta run before Mamacita cuts you!
Let me catch him again...
Disclaimer: I would never actually harm another human being. Mamacita cutting someone is just a joke. I won't hesitate to get your name off of your I.D. badge and report you to everyone I possibly can... and maybe even get you transferred or fired if that's what it takes.
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