Prompt: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time in your life...)
When I read this prompt, I instantly visualized myself behind invisible bars... the bars of a complicated, short pregnancy and life afterwards in the NICU. The hospital, this whole situation, feels like my prison sometimes.
I imagine an inmate might feel this way: I feel as if I don't have any personal freedom. I feel as if I've lost all track of time. I feel as if the walls are closing in and the doors will never open. I feel as if the limited visitation time I am privileged to receive with my family will never be enough. At least I'm not in solitary confinement, although nights without my family can get a little lonely at times. (My husband and daughter stay at our house overnight, and I stay at a charity organization close to the hospital.)
I miss the time in my life before all of the complications started with my pregnancy. I miss sleeping beside my husband. I miss spending most of my time with him. I miss running around with my daughter, and having the energy to keep up with her. I miss picking her up, holding her, and helping her with her daily and bedtime routines. I miss the joys I had with my pregnancy... watching my belly grow and feeling my son move around. I miss living and cooking and eating and showering and sleeping in my own house, where I could get completely comfortable... sit back and relax.
I feel robbed of my pregnancy. I feel robbed of my summer. I feel robbed of my family time.
[I also miss THE BEACH; my grandmother; my nostalgic, military days; and in this precise moment... Indian food! I'm starving!]
Right now I feel as if I'm stuck behind prison walls. However, I know our situation is only temporary. (And I don't necessarily feel this way all of the time. It comes and goes like the tide.)
I know God has a plan for us. These hardships, these trials and tribulations, will pass. Through it all, He's with me... carrying my precious family through this. One of these days, things will get back to normal. Our son will grow up healthy and strong. And we'll look back on this time and say, "Yeah, we pulled through as a family."
* The following song came to mind as I wrote this and I thought I'd share a portion of the lyrics (replace the girl he sings about with my family - they are helping me get through this challenging time):
Shaggy's "Angel":
"...She was there through my incarceration
I want to show the nation my appreciation
Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady..."
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