Now, I served in the United States military, and although I never deployed to an actual combat zone, some of the descriptive imagery I use will be relevant (as I've heard numerous accounts from close friends and family over the years.)
When I say my "house of love" is like a war zone, I don't mean to paint a picture of hand-to-hand combat between myself and my husband. Let's get that straight right now. We have never raised a hand to one another! There are no sprains, strains, or broken bones. There is no hair-pulling, eye-gouging, bruising, or physical threats of any kind. No grappling. No modern army combatives. There is no bloodshed. Period. And we don't yell either. You won't hear "blasting" at our house. Our home is really quite peaceful.
Our battle in love is the figurative warfare type... it's in the "little things." I mean to paint a picture of committed spouses who have "deployed to the sandbox" of self, post marriage, and are in the daily grind of things. We got caught up in the world and what we are supposed to do to meet deadlines for the world. We are not "attacked" with a constant bombardment of bullets and shells in our "house of love/sandbox deployment." Throughout the day we may experience a mortar (i.e. impatience, selfishness, irritability, snapping, or even a RARE hushed "F-bomb" flying out of one of our mouths) or rocket... or two. But because this isn't constant, we don't see those few that buzz-by as life-threatening anymore.
That, my friends, is where the battle lies! When you get used to the little things (the bad habits you let slide at home behind closed doors - "little terrorists" as I like to call them... things you would never do in front of friends or strangers), your situational awareness can fail you, because you have become complacent (and numb) to the dangers around you. I'm here to tell you that the "mortars" and "rockets" you face at home in the battle of unconditional love are far more risky and detrimental than you might think! These weapons are an emanate danger to God, to your family, and to your treasures in heaven. Those little mortars and rockets you allow to fly-by without concern will become WMDs (weapons of mass destruction). "Friendly-fire" is no joke. It is serious. It causes more pain. So why allow it in your home, in your marriage? One day, the big one will drop, and everything you were working for will be blown sky-high to smithereens. And you will surely lose it all.
Please do not allow that to happen. Take the time to reflect on your relationship. Are you showing unconditional love to your spouse? Don't know how? Pick up a copy of "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. We did. We want to end the "war" and allow the unconditional love we showed to each other when dating and first married to shine through again! (And for always... as vowed!) And that brings me to Day 1 of our challenge.
The Love Dare, Day 1: Love is Patient (Consider patience as the protective gear you issue to your spouse... a Kevlar helmet and flak jacket to protect the one you love... from yourself.)
Every short chapter starts with scripture and they use Ephesians 4:2 NIV: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
I once heard someone say, "If you speak words of honey, you'll accomplish more than using words of gasoline"... or something like that. I feel this thought can be used in behavior with regards to patience as well. Patience maintains self-control. You choose a kind emotional response to get you through a tough situation. (You choose not to shoot bullets of impatience at your spouse.) This will more likely bring about a positive outcome. You know that little math rule where two negatives make a positive? Not in this case. This isn't math! Don't react to wrong with wrong. In the book, they write, "Patience is where love meets wisdom." They also write, "[It] gives your spouse permission to be human." So, as it says in Ephesians, be humble and bear with one another. Choose your battles wisely. What's more important? Does it really matter? Maybe it's time to let-go of the "little things", and just be patient.
I stumbled across this quote on Day 1 of our challenge: "Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
[I should probably mention that Matt and I are reading this book, one dare/day at a time. We both keep a journal. We both read our journal entries aloud to the other at night, and then discuss points that catch our attention. We discuss how we could change things or fix things to make it better. And already, it's getting better! Much better! The changes are astounding! (And it's observed in the tiniest of details!) Matt is starting to thank me and sing my praises. Hello! On my way to becoming a Proverbs 31 wife after all! Then, we read the challenge for the following day.]
My Journal Entry for Day 1:
(I wrote multiple pages. As this post is already getting long, I'll try to give only the highlights... to spare you!) Day 1 we were challenged "to resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to [our] spouse at all." I was tested in patience multiple times and failed about half of those instances. As quickly as I would pass one test, I would fail another. Some of the rewards for maintaining patience: extra quality time with my family, I was more calm and at peace after putting my spouse first (being more careful to consider his feelings, etc.)... maintaining patience and letting go of "the little things" which also brought peace to my home, and our initial spark of love seems to have flared instead of flicker! I was also rewarded with a back massage... totally unprompted/unrequested. (Haven't had one of those in a while!) The downfall when I failed: I hurt God. I hurt my husband. I hurt my family. And this hurt my heart.
I realized I have become extremely selfish and impatient. I am quick to snap without even knowing it at times. I continue to work on patience every day. Just because it was the first challenge and I have a new challenge to take on in the next day, doesn't mean I let go of what I've learned. I don't want my negativity in the little things to poison the good thing we actually have going. I want my positivity to enrich what we have - make it Fireproof.
Look at what my husband had to say. Matt's Journal Entry for Day 1:
"I have noticed that Courteney is getting better with her overall patience; she has started to turn around in a better way. Since she is not flipping out over the small stuff I am feeling more relaxed at home. In the past I have felt my inner-voice screaming and cursing at her outbursts, but not this week. I feel I am growing in patience as well. I hope this will become the norm."
Our little outbursts of impatience, those "little terrorists," were poisoning our love. We didn't notice it in the moment-to-moment grind... oh he snapped/she snapped... moving on. But upon deep reflection we were hurting each other more than we actually thought.
Don't like the smell of Napalm in the morning? Then be the first to put your "weapon" down. Safe-guard your love/home base from "bad habit insurgents." Stop hurling insults and slinging obscenities at your spouse. Don't get mad and snap if something doesn't go according to plan. Get rid of the short fuse. Count to ten. Think and edit what you will say and do in response with love. REMAIN CALM AND ACT IN PATIENCE.
How to act in patience you ask? I think there is a verse of scripture that says it best, which is provided after the journal section in the book: "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger" (James 1:19). Also provided in the text, "See that no one repays another evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another" (Thessalonians 5:15).
Hope this helps! Try being patient for a day and see what happens!
This is just a reminder that comments on military/war content represent my own views and opinions. In no way does this represent the views of the government or the U.S. Military.
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